The Very Secret Diary of Norton Kelly
by rosto4rogue
Summary: Norton Kelly's diary throughout the Pigman. Warning: allusion to bestiality.


**The Very Secret Diary of Norton Kelly **

Based on the fabulous Very Secret Diaries series of fanfiction by Cassandra Claire

A parody _The Pigman_, by Paul Zindel

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Pigman, or any of its characters. **

Day One: Invited John to cemetery, but he didn't take hint and brought stupid friend. Tried talking to him about lovely new motel that charges by the hour, and somehow he heard "telephone marathon." What the hell? Am thoroughly disturbed at John's lack of hearing.

Day Three: Apparently, John actually wants to _have_ "telephone marathon." Am hoping he will forget about it, as am v. uncomfortable with thought of talking minus being seen. Put too much effort into hair to not be constantly appreciated. Maybe "telephone marathon" is code?

Day Eight: V. Disappointed. Telephone marathon = prank calls. Lorraine showed up. She ruins all fun.

Day Nine: John wants telephone marathon to be regular, friend-activity! Now, if only can get rid of Lorraine.

Day Eleven: Dennis wanted in. Soon beat all records by seducing old lady with odd skin fetish. Dennis pathetically competitive. Reminded me of beauty pageant days. Will always be the prettiest if Dennis cannot learn to tone down eye makeup. Told him as such, and the spiteful prick said my roots are showing!

Day Twelve: Are they?

Day Thirteen: Went to hairdresser's, to be on safe side. Got new color in dashing shade of evil. Er, black.

Day Fourteen: Have decided to make telephone marathon fairer by only picking women's numbers. Effect on men too overpowering to be considered anything but unjust advantage.

Day Twenty-Two: Have decided with help of _Cosmo_ quizzes that am "A Shameless Siren." Informed Dennis, though must be obvious. After explaining whole John capture plan (luckily made up on spot. Am too hot to need plan. Although, man with plan = irresistible. Note to self: Come up with detailed plan.) found out Dennis is after John. Has no chance, as will not accept merits of miniature manikins for outfit planning.

Day Twenty-Four: If he tries anything, Lorraine will kill him. Must encourage him.

Day Twenty-Five: Dennis in hospital. Lorraine maybe not so bad.

Day Twenty-Seven: Dennis out of hospital with minor concussion. Lorraine useless twit again. Will now be known as That Dreadful Tart (TDT).

Day Twenty-Nine: Am put out by TDT's success in telephone marathon. Decided to reconcile with Dennis. Was v. difficult, as would not stop reminding me of how close he was to John before TDT interrupted. Finally got through, though forced to make up encouraging comment on his unfortunate taste in codpiece. Retro is ok, but bedazzled is just vulgar.

Day Thirty: John and TDT not in school today. While visiting Bobo, the bendy baboon, at zoo, saw John on date with old man, Lorraine supervising. Am hoping not a regular occurrence, as if he fancies old men, do not know how to compete. Cannot avoid being young, tight-skinned, muscled hunk. However, can suppress immature marshmallow fetish. Meanwhile, hidden codpiece fabulous for confidence.

Day Thirty-Three: Attempted to hold friendly conversation with "Lorraine." Was told that pink does not suit me. Obviously just jealous.

Day Thirty-Six: John never around. Feel like was dumped for old man. Dennis still a prat. Am v. bored. Heard John was shagging Lorraine. Ick.

Day Thirty-Nine: Lately have had to fend off attacks by Mr. Conlan. Considered asking John to tell his father to keep hands to himself, but am worried it may be too disturbing.

Day Forty-Six: Have had enough of Mr. Grabby. Will confront John in cemetery tomorrow.

Day Forty-Seven: At last minute, panickedc, instead blurted out something about old man. Asked if he was gay. Was told he was "nice." Tried to explain threesome ok with me, but John misunderstood. Brought up my marshmallow fetish, which was horrid of him.. Could feel a pout coming on when he left in a huff of sexual tension.

Day Forty-Seven: Forced to break up with Dennis. Did not know was in relationship, but he said we were. Had to stop whole thing before got any farther.

Day Fifty-Two: Dennis obviously still bitter about break-up, as was not invited to party put on by John and Dennis. Was v. boring party, anyway, until John and I had Breakthrough. Was pushed to the floor by John, then had a nice little game of tag, rolled around clinging to each other, and finally smashed through glass door, during height of party.

John into some v. kinky stuff.

**Thank you for reading!**


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